Editor’s Note: Here is a collection of messages that were sent to Kat Alano about their own personal experiences of rape, sexual assault, incest and the like. We are publishing these articles in anonymity to protect the identity of the victims.
THE FEAR – Being raped, molested or abused is an awful experienced, nobody knows how bad it is to live your everyday life with fear and anxiety, to hide your feelings and be silent, that you can’t even tell the truth to your own family because the fucking molester is in fact, inside your own home. The fear of being alone, the fear that he might go inside your room any moment, the fear to even close your eyes when everybody is asleep, fear even in your own self that you might give up and take your own life. These fears are real, you can’t even explain where its coming. Nobody knows how painful it is, nobody knows.
REPEATEDLY ABUSED – I too, was molested by my step-dad, anal raped by an actor ex-boyfriend and drugged raped by the best friend of another actor boyfriend. I completely get where you are coming from. I was a victim over and over again. It was only through therapy in Australia that I even realized that it was raped. Like you, I blamed myself for so long. My own mother did not believe me, I was 15 then. Thank you for having the courage to come out.
SILENCED – You’re my hope so please get the justice I’ll never have because I’m pretty sure I’ll bring my incest rape shame to the grave. Just like you, I don’t have solid memories about it only vague pieces of childhood memories that haunt me.
COURAGE TO COME OUT OF HIDING – Hi Kat. You, speaking out, was really so brave. I can’t even think of a better word to describe it. Thank you. Why? Because not everyone has that enough courage to do what you did and though, others’ bad guys won’t be given any of the punishment that they deserve, a voice is out there to defend victims, or to at least speak on their behalf.
I am a victim myself. Like others, I felt that all along it was a fault of mine. For not saying something years back. For letting it happen, not just once but several times. I am ashamed of myself and I don’t want my family to be embarrassed as well. One of these days, I wanna tell you my story. A story no one has ever heard yet. I just want to finally tell it and let go of this feeling I have been keeping for so very long. I’ve been reading your tweets about this issue, this way I can get more courage to tell you. Kat, I don’t want any of this to come out. I’m not as brave as you are, I just want someone to listen and help me take this burden off me by not judging me.
THANK YOU KAT ALANO – Kat, I listened to your GTWM podcast last night and as you were re-telling your story of rape, I found myself crying with you. Your words helped me. You helped me understand that I need to speak up to be able to move forward. I was also a victim. I was molested back when I was 10 or 11, I don’t remember. Just imagine a young girl waking up with a man touching her in all the wrong places. I remember his sinister smile and his finger to his lips telling me to be quiet. I have been keeping his request of silence ever since. I’m scared Kat. More scared than that little girl back then who did not understand what had happened to her. I grew up burying that memory in the back of my mind. I thought that ignoring it would make it go away. Truth is, forgetting about it doesn’t make it any less real. But now, I remember it vividly and it made me understand certain moments of my life; how I randomly burst into tears or how I suddenly become furious if somebody touches or looks at me wrong. I found the NMF podcasts as a source of entertainment but now, I feel that it taught me something. I listen to every show and it helped me free my mind and be liberal. But especially you Kat. Thank you. Whatever you may face in the days to come, expect that I will be one of the people who got your back. You don’t know me and I don’t know you but we know each other’s pain. Please contact me if ever there is something that I can do to help victims who had experiences like these. I would very much like every women to speak up about these dark fears and make people understand that yes, these things are happening in our world. I hope that I can talk to you about this but for now, all I can say is: Thank you Kat Alano
YOU ASKED FOR IT – Hi. You don’t know me but I listened to your GTWM Podcast and you are so brave to admit what happened . I can relate to your story. I was abused too last year at a close friend’s birthday party and when I told my close friends the next day after the incident that “I think I was raped,” they said “well, you were the one who was flirting with him and you probably liked it too.” When I told my boyfriend about it, he said “report it because he’s a rapist” but it’s so hard since this country condones silence regarding personal business. You’re so brave and I admire your honesty. I still get haunted by it whenever I would meet new people. I always think that they’ll do something bad to me when they get too close. So thanks. At least I know I am not alone, that even popular people like you go thru this.
IKAW PA ANG MAY KASALANAN – I admire you for bringing the rape topic in public. Kasi as we know, kapag na rape ka or something similar happened to you, parang ikaw pa yung madumi at may kasalanan.
I’m also a victim. Would love to share my story soon anonymously.
HINDI KA NI-RAPE. GINUSTO MO! – Hi kat. I’ve seen the episode where you confessed the darkest day of your life. I was also a victim. I was 17 that time. I was brought to a place where usually the scouts will stay for camping. I don’t wanna go into details- but yes, I’m scared to voice out. Especially when the details are so vague already, and there are just things that you cannot put into words. All you know is that it happened. One time, i told my previous boyfriend about my experience, I thought naintindihan nya, but nung nag away kami, he brought up the incident, pinakwento nya sakin yung details and sabi nya sakin “hindi ka ni rape! Ginusto mo!” Sobrang sakit lang na yung tao na akala mo na papaniwalaan ka, siya pa yung nag sasabi ng ganyan. Then I started blaming myself. Bakit wala akong ginawa, bakit wala akong sinabihan? Now I’m 24. I maybe happy now pero na ti-trigger pa din yung naalala mo yung sakit at takot. Tatahimik nalang ako bigla, and there’s always a time that I want to be alone. I want to go away with it. Yung tipong wala ka nang maalala na kahit ano.
TRAUMA – I watched your podcast with Mo. It really hit me big time. It’s true, it’s hard to admit being raped and it’s hard to open it just to anyone else especially if you’re not sure they’re gonna listen and you’re not even damn sure that the person will understand or how he would react with the revelation. I’m also a victim and I’ve suffered post-traumatic stress disorder before without even knowing I had it. I really want to share my story with you soon. Hope you could respond. Thank you. You’re an inspiration.
STAY STRONG – Ate Kat, what happened to you will set you free. To set myself free from all the things I kept hidden inside, it took me 12 years to tell my mom about what happened. I may remember it from time to time and still feel the pain and takot, pero unlike before meron na akong nakakausap. We may never find the peace pero simpleng may makausap lang at mapagsabihan ng nararamdaman nakakatulong na. I’ll pray for you/us all to have peace, I’ll pray you/us all to feel secure.
FREEDOM – In your story, its like I am freeing myself too.
BROKEN AND BROKEN AGAIN – Hi Kat, I don’t know if this is the right facebook account to contact you. I just read your article and I felt your pain. I’ve been molested by a relative and almost raped by 3 other people close to me and like you I never said anything. I had the same reasons that you have. For many years, I’ve suffered seeing them live happy lives while I remain afraid, broken and while at it attracting negativity in my life. I’ve acquired so many fears that I could count with my fingers, my thoughts are all over the place, at 37, I still don’t know what I want to be ‘when I grow up’. I believe I have so much potential but I’m the only one stopping me. Last week, I’ve learned that my 3 daughters were being molested by my boyfriend of 8 years
MOM SAID: I WANTED IT – I have been depressed. I have had poor decision-making. I was an honor student turned pasang-awa. It took years for it to sink in, that I was raped by my cousin. He told me: “so you will know what to do when you get married.” I was confused and curious at the same time. He was 16 at the time, and I was 8 or 9. My parents were always at work and they leave me at the care of my aunts and uncles. One time, my mom and I had a fight. I told her that she will never understand why I act this way. Then I dropped it. “You were never home! Did you know I was raped?” She was stunned at first then asked me who it was. I was close to saying who it was but then she said. “I think it was not raped. You wanted it.” After that, I never saw the point of telling anyone.
ABUSED TO BE ABUSED? – Ms. Kat Alano, I read your article and I could definitely relate to this rape culture. I was beaten up badly by a relative when I tried to seek help. How people around me reacted to me, after speaking up about it, is more traumatizing. My former partner, who happens to be my child’s father decided he could abuse me since I was raped anyway in the past.
MOLESTED BY BROTHERS – I have read your tweets about rape. You’re right when you say that rapist can be someone you know and you trust. I was molested with my two older brothers when I was 7 years old. It lasted for almost 5 years. I didn’t tell it to anybody, even to my mother and other family members. I kept it to myself for 30 years before I revealed it to my husband and to my mother and sister. Mahirap pagdaanan at itago ng taon ang ang nararamdaman ng isang na-molestya ng sarili mo pang kadugo. Galit ako sa sarili ko because I didn’t even tried to tell it to my mother. I thought ‘di nila ako maiintindihan at iko-condemn nila ako at pagbintangan na gumagawa ng kwento. Natakot dahil tinakot, sa batang 7 taon, ano nga naman ang aasahan diba. Ang mga taong di naranasan ang ganitong trauma ay madaming manghusga at manlait. They thought napakadaling lumantad kapag ikaw ay isang biktima.
FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT – Continue what is right! Be the voice of unheard victims! You are so tough. Be strong! I am a victim too, but still can’t forget;
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